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I Give Up

I was talking with some other musician friends recently and they admitted to the struggles they endure as musicians. This was really gratifying to hear. Too often, we think we’re the only ones having these issues as musicians.

There have been many times I’ve considered throwing in the towel. I think I could make better or steadier money writing iPhone apps (I have sold other “software” online before, and when it is doing well, the money nicely rolls in).

But lately, I’ve developed and noticed a change in my habits. I’m practicing more than I ever have before. I will think of things I want to or even need to do, and go, “okay, but first I want to practice a little.” Then, I will practice for an hour. I also feel like practicing throughout the day, and actually indulge that desire more often than not.

How did I get to this point? By making it a habit. By convincing and allowing myself to want to do it, and doing it. By not expecting nor demanding anything more of myself than to spend a few minutes doing it. By enjoying every moment of it. By not thinking about what I cannot do while I am doing it (“I’m still not good enough to play X”).

I’ve put way too much into music to give now, nor ever.

The title of this post? It’s a complete lie. You’re stuck with me.

P.S. I credit Leo Babuta’s Zen Habits blog for the help and inspiration to change my way of thinking to develop this and other good habits. I highly recommend it.

Fri, 2012 01 20 at 9:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

Freedom

Sometimes, when you see someone play, we say they’re “unconscious.” This means that they are playing at a level where it just flows out of them.

This is what I aspire to.

I am way too self-aware when I play music. It’s something I’m gradually learning to overcome. Letting go, being in the moment, allowing the music to flow through me is where it really works. I am trying to be free, to play freely, to allow myself to express through music what I wish to. While practice and technique is a part of this, I am now convinced that the real battle is in my mind.

I’ve read Effortless Mastery: Liberating the Master Musician Within and Inner Game of Music, and I believe they both have the same goals via different methods. They are trying to free the musician within in order to allow the musician to play without inhibition. It’s a slow process, and patience is required. That’s another damned skill I’m working on.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the “unconscious” level, but it doesn’t matter. My only plan is to enjoy each moment as it comes, wherever it takes me. I suppose that’s true freedom.

Wed, 2012 01 18 at 12:14 PM |Permalink for this entry

Getting It Wrong

I saw this posted on Facebook recently, and it really bugged me.

When children are learning there are often grey areas. In music, a mistake is a mistake; the instrument is in tune or not, the notes are well played or not, the entrance is made or not. It is only by much hard work that a successful performance is possible. Through music study, students learn the value of sustained effort to achieve excellence and the concrete rewards of hard work.

While I get their point, what the whole thing says and implies really bothers me. For one, what grey areas are there when children learn in school? There’s no grey in math. How about history? Or science?

In fact, the one place where people could learn that things in life aren’t just black and white is music. That’s where there is room for expression, personalization at the very least. For instance, in a classical competition, everyone is playing the same piece, and assuming they all get it right, why are some judged to be better than others? It is because of the expression and interpretation that they put into the piece.

But my biggest problem with the statement is that it is exactly that attitude that keeps people from playing music. I don’t have an issue with “sustained effort,”  “hard work,” and “achieve excellence,” but I do have an issue with the idea that music has to be performed perfectly. People act like it’s life or death, but very few have died because they blew the entrance or missed a note. (I guess in this crazy world, someone might have died or gotten beaten or punished for such a thing, but let’s play the percentages, shall we?) So many people are terrific players, love music, love to play music, but they are deathly afraid to play in front of anybody. They are afraid they are going to make a mistake, that they will look foolish, that they simply aren’t good enough. Music should be used to teach the opposite, that despite the player’s uniqueness, despite the differences, despite the possible mistakes, we can all contribute, share, and have fun.

Tue, 2011 11 15 at 12:27 PM |Permalink for this entry

Improvisation and Inhibition

When the musicians improvised, Dr. Limb found, areas of the brain’s prefrontal cortex linked to self-expression were activated, but an area linked to inhibition and self-monitoring “kind of shuts down when you go creative,” he said. That did not happen when musicians played a memorized piece.

When Melody Takes a Detour, the Science Begins, New York Times, June 6, 2011

This makes me wonder if improvisation can be used as a tool to train oneself to turn off the inhibition and self-monitoring when playing.

Sun, 2011 10 30 at 8:05 AM |Permalink for this entry

Free Me

It’s just a metaphor. I don’t have dissociative identity disorder. Wait, do I? I don’t know. Let me ask myself.

There is a piano player inside of me whom I really like. I like his tastefulness, I like his style. I like the kinds of licks and styles of music that he plays.

I want to hear him play in the “real world.” I want to see him play with some real people. I want to feel the joy he feels when the music is made. I want to let him out and see what he can really do. I want you to be able to hear him, if you want to. But most of all, I just want him to be free to play his music.

Has anyone seen my keys?

Sat, 2011 10 29 at 8:03 AM |Permalink for this entry

Control

You sing

The other day, I came to a point where I no longer had any outside musical obligations. Before I knew it, I jumped into one project I was doing as a favor/volunteer (a web design project, no less!) going so far as to stay up late to get a bunch of it done. I would have done some stuff on the piano, but Lori was trying to sleep. I did do a bit before she headed off to bed.

Terry

This tells me that one of the issues that I have been having is control. Was it that obvious from the outside? The reason that programming appealed as an alternative is now clear to me. I would have been doing it under only my own expectations.

Jimmy Jam

Since the band broke up, I haven’t had very much that I was doing musically (nor elsewhere, really) that was primarily mine. When I felt that things were up to me for the most part, I was okay. The issue is when I am not sure what the expectations are. Unfortunately, you can’t always find out what a band or band leader wants until you play together. But I think that I need to keep an outlet where I am in control to fall back on at the very least. I am not sure what that will be, though. I guess for now I will just see how things go and what I end up doing.

Thu, 2011 10 27 at 8:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

Super Seed

“Though thinking does not make it so, thinking makes you make it so. What you think becomes what you live.” - Ralph Marston

I read this “motivator” from Ralph Marston and it strikes me that I should use the power of my over thinking to think the right thing. Instead of worrying about not practicing or how things are going to go or that I’m not good at something, I should think about what I can be, what I would like to be, me being confident in what I do. Simply put, I should supersede the negative thoughts with positive ones.

I may have mentioned in a previous post about how imagining myself playing at times feels nearly as good as actually doing it. So why not fill my head up with those thoughts instead? Not all the time, just when the crap thoughts are bugging me. You know, most of the time.

Tue, 2011 10 25 at 8:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

Torture

Hearing me sing.

I’ve been taking these Ear Training classes with Paul English lately, and the cruel man is making me sing. I cannot imagine the horror that it sounds like.

I thought these classes would have me listen, and they do. But in order to internalize the notes, we apparently must sing them as well. Even though I can hear it in my head, I can struggle with a simple solfege. I can hear a note and sing it back, sometimes. One trick I am having is if I’m on the other side of my “break,” which is around A3 or so (the A below middle C, 220 Hz). I tend to stick on one side of the break and then hit it like a wall until I consciously realize that I need to go past it to hit the desired note. That is not my only problem, however.

I am also finding a strange problem that sometimes I have no idea where I am relative to the desired note. Am I below it or above it? Am I close or am I far? In class, I try not to be embarrassed, but I cannot help but think what the other students are thinking. I try not to think about it too much and press on. They have been polite, and even encouraging.

But Paul? The man is just mean.

Mon, 2011 10 24 at 8:21 AM |Permalink for this entry

No post today

Today, October 23rd, is Lori and my wedding anniversary and the anniversary of the day we met, so no talk about music and all that. Today we simply celebrate the beautiful music we make together.

Sun, 2011 10 23 at 10:23 AM |Permalink for this entry

A Metaphor for Life

Vacation is all I ever wanted.

Have you ever gone on a vacation with plans to see and do a ton of things, and only got to part of your list? Perhaps you went to New York City and wanted to see the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Greenwich Village, the Museum of Modern Art, and a bunch of other places but only got to some of them. While you were at one, did you fret about not getting to the next place, or did you enjoy what you were doing and where you were?

Those of us who enjoy what we’re doing on vacation while we are doing it and don’t worry about what we’re not doing enjoy the trips much more than those who do not, obviously. I know that I come back from trips like that with fond memories. I will just try to visit those other places next time. Maybe I will make it back, maybe I won’t.

Life should be like this too. There are things that I would like to achieve in my life, “levels” of musicianship I would like to have, etc., but I should enjoy what I am doing, where I am, right now, no matter where I end up. The journey is the reward.

Sat, 2011 10 22 at 8:10 AM |Permalink for this entry

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